September 5th, 2020 
Review for grammar errors – commas especially.
Take out the sentence in the intro that says “the goal of this argumentative essay is…” Don’t say “the goal is” or this paper will. Just be declarative. Revise these sentences.
Take out the years in the citations. Para 1 (for one example). Just say “According to remarks by Alang, McAlpine, McCreedy, & Hardeman, police brutality…. then end with the page number. So finish that sentence and just put (663). No author again since you’ve already said it. Revise all.
Work on making this a paper with YOUR ideas, not a research review. Alang should not be the basis for your para 1, for example. Your thoughts should & Alang should just support your ideas. Para 1 is more about Alang’s thoughts than yours.
Para 2 is better.
You only have 2 body paragraphs before your concession. You must have 3.
You also only have 2 sources. You must have 3. These limitations will affect your grade severely, so be sure you get it corrected by the final draft.
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