Please fllow the Comments and feedback are on attachment.
A couple of things from my tutor:
Be careful of the data that you are using
Say clearly that you are looking really at illegal migrants
Talk more about the details of the demographic shifts (increased number of young people in Africa)
Use more examples and data to support your arguments
Divide the opportunities for the UK into opportunities in Africa, and opportunities in the UK
All applicants go through a series of tests that check their level of English and knowledge of formatting styles. The applicant is also required to present a sample of writing to the Evaluation Department. If you wish to find out more about the procedure, check out the whole process.